An Apology

Since starting this blog I wanted to explore the gospel and the church. I never meant this blog to be the repository of my views, but rather a place to explore different ideas. However many of my posts have been uncomfortable for my immediate family and my distant family. They have come across to them as attacking and negative. This has negatively effected my relationship with them. Since I do value them, their opinions, and their feelings, I want to apologize.

I’m not apologizing for what I have written, since it was never meant to be construed as truth, but rather ideas and opinions. I’ve made it a point to repeatedly say that I write not so that people will look to me for answers, but so that I might get people to ask questions. I do apologize for how I may have said things. I admit I’m not the best with words and I know that more than a few of my posts have come across as more negative that they were meant. I have talked about many issues that are sensitive for members of the church. And perhaps the way I talked about some of these things was not the best it could have been.

So to my wife, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister(even though she probably hasn’t read any of this), cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and a varied assortment of friends; I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for writing about ideas and asking questions that have made you feel uncomfortable. I hope you will understand that the thoughts I have expressed here are just that, thoughts. I don’t have the answers. Mila(my wife) says I should address questions in my own mind rather than posting things out here for the world to see. So I will take her advice. I hope you will accept my humble apology and not feel negative towards me as I privately look for answers to questions that are not addressed in our lesson manuals.

To my readers, some of you may view this apology as a sign of weakness on my part. But I don’t really care. I value my family and don’t want to have negative feelings with them. This blog is really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things and my relationship with my family is much more important than a blog with a silly name.

The Future

As for this blog, I won’t be talking about any hard of controversial issues anymore. I’ll probably take a break for a while I do some pondering and praying. I plan to continue posting here on some things. For example my “From the Dust” series where I talk about lost and forthcoming scriptures. My wife made me promise to get her ok before I post anything here. So anymore posts I make here on this blog will have to have met with her approval.

So thank you for everyone’s comments and concerns, and to my family and friends I’m sorry for the trouble I’ve caused.

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38 Responses to An Apology

  1. John Ellis says:

    Know that I’m proud of you, both for exploring what you believe (even if we don’t see things the same) and also for respecting your family’s feelings. When it comes to spiritual matters, I have more respect for you than most people that I know (including family members). Whenever our families get together again, I’ll be looking at a man, and no longer a boy.

    Most everyone in the world thinks that their belief system is the “most correct”. But, this is simply not possible. If you are not free to explore and challenge what you believe and what you have been taught, you are truly a slave to someone else that has already done the thinking for you. I don’t believe God respects that. I also don’t believe that God is afraid of us having these discussions out in the open. Truth has nothing to fear.

    If you ever need to bounce an idea off of someone in private, you always have my ear *and* my email address. Don’t be a stranger.

    Uncle John

    • John Ellis says:

      After rereading my comments, I fear that I didn’t convey what I meant in the second paragraph. You *have* explored and challenged what you believe and what you have been taught. Individuals that do not feel free to do this are slaves to others that have done the thinking for them. I think it is obvious that you are not a slave to someone else’s beliefs.

      Most LDS today that I know, would believe from what you have written that you are an apostate on the verge of being excommunicated, or worse, an “anti-Mormon”. Believe me, I understand what that feels like. I don’t believe you are either.

      For those that feel the need to “get the speck out of your eye” by criticizing the direction you are taking, may I suggest that they remove the beam from their own eye first? If they’re so brave, why aren’t they standing on Temple Square with sandwich board “standing up for the truth?” Isaiah 65:5 comes to mind.

      The Bible says that wives are supposed to submit to their husbands. But, it also says that husbands are supposed to love their wives. By respecting what I think is a reasonable request from your wife, I believe you are showing her this love. I doubt this will affect your research and your spiritual journey. By the way, my wife often proofreads what I write to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot! (It doesn’t always work.)

      The best part of all of this for me is that from now on, whenever we have family reunions, I won’t feel like the only black sheep in the room. May God bless you and your family.

  2. james says:

    Funny how finding a voice and asking tough questions or even just exploring the rougher edges of faith and religion makes you the bad guy. I know where you are coming from, however, having had to put a lid on my own blog because it was making others uncomfortable.

  3. Michael says:

    Your posts have always been thought provoking, and I will miss the “deeper” insights you have provided and the questions they have provoked in my mind. Best wishes.

  4. I’m not quite sure why its appropriate to shut up and apologize for standing up for the truth. Are you a man or a mouse?

  5. Kevin M. says:

    This is truly sad. Not your admirable willingness to keep from upsetting your family. No, the sad part is that your ideas and thoughts are enough to make your family ‘uncomfortable’, to the point that they are ashamed that the ideas themselves are both public and connected to you.

    That said, I enjoy your blog and will continue to read. Also, I don’t put my thoughts out there like you, for the world to see, so anything I have to say about it really doesn’t count for much. Good luck!

  6. Dave P. says:

    I’m in agreement with those who find this to be a sad situation for the simple reason that by doing this and based on how you’re wording it, you’re surrendering your own agency to your wife.

  7. prometheus says:

    Hmm. It is sometimes difficult to navigate the shoals of family and belief, sadly. I have enjoyed reading your posts over the last few months, and I do hope that you will continue to post, even on non-controversial issues. God bless.

  8. Homer says:


    Your comment is missing the point. In marriage, you don’t “surrender” your agency when one wants something you don’t want. Agency works several ways in this particular conversation. Zo can do the following (and I may be missing some):

    A) Do as he outlined above.
    B) Ignore his wife + family’s pleadings and trudge on
    C) Take his wife + family’s comments, do something different than either trudging on or as outlined above.

    In my own marriage, I did something very similar to what Zo is doing. I ended my blog altogether. I happened to take my wife’s comments and use my agency to make the decision, taking her statements into consideration.

    When you’re married, there is by necessity a lot of compromise. 1 Tim 2:12 might advocate something, but it’s something that I know to be uninspired. As such, to be equally yoked, you compromise and work through situations. I happen to neither agree with my wife, nor Zo’s, in the uncomfort they experience and how they respond to it, but the spirit has helped me see a greater plan in my own experience. Some friction is useful in any relationship, some is unnecessary. It’s on both parties to decide where that line is drawn, not on you to make a “you’re surrendering your own agency” retort that is wholly inaccurate.

    So to Zo, if he feels the Spirit telling him to take a different route than the one you think he should take, we should remember that it’s his call to begin with.

    My $0.03.

    Just my thoughts.

    • John Ellis says:

      Well stated, except for the 1 Tim 2:12 reference. I’m sure we’ll have to just agree to disagree on that part. Everything else, I couldn’t agree with you more!

      • Justin says:

        John: Read this. Below I have quoted the conclusion of that page:

        Now let’s try and determine what Paul was actually saying in his letter to Timothy:

        * Gnostic “mediators were teaching their “hidden Knowledge” Paul made it clear there is one mediator between God and man and that is Christ.
        * Gnostics women were teaching a form of godliness that could be achieved by good works.
        * The Gnostic women were using sexual overtures to entice their male students. Paul said not to permit those women to teach a man using feminine wiles.
        * Gnostic women were teaching that Eve had received a secret knowledge when she ate the fruit.

        To sum it all up Paul was instructing Timothy not to allow THOSE women to teach. This whole scripture is about false doctrines and since the leaders or mediators of the Gnostics were predominately women Paul was strictly forbidding them to teach.

      • John Ellis says:


        Great article! I have heard that interpretation before and am inclined to agree with it.

        However, that wasn’t my objection to Homer’s comment. My objection was twofold. First, I don’t believe that passage is “uninspired”. Second, he was suggesting that because the passage is uninspired, Zomorah is not under obligation to obey the principle behind it.

        If the interpretation of the passage is correct in the article link, then the passage has absolutely no relevance at all to Zomarah’s “compromise” with his wife.

        I believe 1 Timothy IS inspired along with the rest of the Bible. Everything else Homer said was great!

      • Homer says:


        You misread my comment. I was referring to Dave’s thing about surrendering our free agency to a wife. Had nothing to do with Zo in that respect.

        But, I don’t think the wording is inspired. Nor do I necessarily agree with Justin’s – it’s easy to place the blame on the Gnostic’s, but that’s just like saying MORMON women, or CATHOLIC women, or whatever. Those women referenced in that verse may have been Gnostic, and may have been using their “status” to influence people to believe them, but the gnosticism I’ve studied disagrees with several portions of that specific bible commentary Justin shared.

        The Gnostics have always been considered some of the most dangerous enemies of the Catholic church. You can even go on Youtube today and see that the majority of the anti-gnostic videos are created by Catholics and we are talking thousands of years later, they still hate them with a passion and always will. Why were they so disliked? Because the gnostics rejected the strict reliance on religious dogma. Many held Jesus Christ as the son of God as he taught but they flatly rejected the church’s right to govern any man or come between anyone and their relationship with God. They loved liberty and freedom and embraced science and learning. They opposed any attempt by men or organizations to manipulate masses into following them. They employed logic in determining their beliefs, not dogma, ever. The Catholics would even send missionaries to reconvert newly converted gnostics but the gnostics would instead convert the priests and catholics. Eventually it was decided to stop reasoning with them and just kill them.

        They rejected the idea that if it could not be explained then it was the Devil. Thank goodness for that. It is just too bad that they had such a small influence in the middle ages. That is what happened back then when the Catholic church was your sworn enemy.

        There is a whole stream of Christian Gnostism as well. Many text discovered at Nag Hammadi are regarding Jesus and his role as Son of God. With that in common with Christanity there is also many teachings that are staunchly opposite. Keep in mind that it was the Catholic church that compiled the Bible we have today. At that great council many of the Gnostic texts were presented and rejected as being heretical and pagan.

        I’d recommend reading Jesus, Interrupted for a better view of what I think of the bible. I don’t believe that everything in our present bible is (or was) inspired. Too much went into selecting the texts we see in our Quad to fully believe that everything in the bible is inspired. If, however, you can find the original source documents, I’d love to read them. But when people like Serapion make rash judgments about what is/isn’t included based on some preexisting notion of orthodoxy, I have issues assuming that everything therein is inspired.

      • Justin says:


        I’ve read Jesus, Interuppted — I agree with the recommendation to read it, it has likewise shaped some of my understanding.

        I agree with your de-Catholic-ized view of the gnostics. But I linked to the article b/c I think that the author of the Timothy epistles would have been responding to gnostics in the Catholic-manner you described [I don’t have very much confidence that Paul is its author in the first place].

        I think the article is also correct in pointing out that the “authority” that 1 Tim. says women ought not to exercise over men is not the “exouisa” that Jesus gave to his disciples.

        In hopes that we actually agree on this thing — it is my view that though 1 Tim. 2 has been used as evidence against women’s roles in church, that is not what it is talking about — and using it that way takes it out of context [which looking at the verse in terms of a reaction to gnosticism does do — putting it into a context]. Would you agree?

      • Homer says:

        Yes, I’d agree with you Justin – it was just the Catholizicized view I was disagreeing with. That commentary appeared to hinge quite heavily on the “GNOSTIC”ism of the women being a major point. 1 Tim 2:12 – to me – is a forgotten verse, largely because it’s current KJV wording is so off the wall and ridiculous. I haven’t yet met anyone who can say they agree with it and maintain a straight face, but I’m sure there are more than a few households who hold it in reverence or as “inspired.” I just don’t happen to be one of them, for the reasons you mentioned.

      • Dave P. says:

        I’ve got a copy of the full JST at home. I’ll have to look up that same verse and see if Joseph Smith made any changes to it.

        I agree that this particular verse may well be uninspired. It’s sad but possible that Paul was simply continuing the orthodoxy of women being suppressed in the society. From the Nag Hammandi scriptures we learn that the Savior had female apostles, taught everyone to treat women as equals, and was even married to Mary Magdalene. However the male apostles weren’t too thrilled with that.

      • John Ellis says:

        Hmmm…didn’t Joseph Smith say that “we believe the Bible to be the Word of God as far as it is translated correctly”? So, if this passage turns out to be translated correctly, would it not be the Word of God? How do I tell which parts of the Bible are inspired and which parts aren’t?

  9. zo-ma-rah says:

    Thanks for the comments and support everyone. You too Dave P and Samuel, for you own unique way of support. After talking with my mother she expressed her biggest concern. It was that I was just talking about all the ways the church is wrong or not true. I told her that my definition of the church is the members, not the organization. So the church can be neither true nor untrue for me.

    I respect my mother’s concern but I think that “the church is true” is a great oversimplification of many different issues. It is really hard to address that concern because it is composed of so many different issues.

    • Dave P. says:

      It may also help if I explain the background behind my statement: I’ve witnessed numerous cases within my extended family where one of my cousins would get married and then gave up everything to try and meet the wife’s many demands while sacrificing his own wants and even some needs. Sadly this still wasn’t good enough and the wife filed for divorce anyway.

      I was headed down the same path with my fiance. She came right out and told my parents that she expected me to deal with all of the problems that arose during the marriage and she would expect me to finance her new, lavish lifestyle. I broke it off after a particularly jarring incident and recent findings and spiritual confirmations have told me that I dodged a bullet.

      The other reason is because I have also recently realized just how precious and wonderful God’s gift of free agency is to us and the most dangerous people and things in this world are those which would restrict, control, or even remove our ability to exercise that agency. That’s why I tell people that the most important thing they can do is safeguard their agency and not surrender it to anyone: not their parents, spouse, children, etc. I recently met a man who chose his agency over his wife and children because the wife was basically setting ultimatums for him to hamper his quest for finding the truth. He later met and married a woman who underwent a very similar experience.

      And, sad to say, my friend, but the way you worded the post is what gave me that impression. If you were choosing to take a step back out of respect for your wife’s level of understanding, then it wouldn’t have given me that impression. But to say that you’ll be saying what she approves of and posting that which she gives permission to post sounds far more to me like the surrender of your agency to her.

      The sad but true corollary to our agency is that we can only work out our own salvation. Husbands cannot save their wives, parents cannot save their children, and the church leaders cannot save the membership. All we can do for others is teach them the truth, even if it’s unpleasant to them, and let them decide/experience it for themselves.

      • Justin says:

        For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?

  10. mickyj08 says:

    I just came across your blog today, and really enjoy it. I am a believing Mormon, but you hit the very same questions that I ask myself. I don’t ask out of an apostate attitude, I ask out of a genuine desire to know something. I don’t think we really can have a testimony without asking some hard questions, and having to swallow some bitter answers. The idea that The Church is true simply because it’s “The Church” or that a man is a prophet simply because he’s “The Prophet” is directly opposed to what I asked investigators to do while I was on my mission. They asked questions, lots of questions… hard questions. And they were supposed to ask them.

  11. Emileeee K says:

    You are brave, May God be with you always!

  12. dyc4557 says:

    Zo ma rah,

    Hello friend. Would you be surprised if I told you I know what you are going through?
    Well I don’t exactly but I can see part of it.

    I was married at age 23 and I loved her with all my heart. I was so happy to marry her. What a beautiful woman I got for a wife. My friends and family were so happy for me.

    Fast forward 26 years and 5 children later. In 2004 this wonderful wife whom I still loved with all my heart told me that I had to give up my temple recommend because I wasn’t worthy of it. This did not happen over night but gradually over time she made more and more demands of what I should do. I had talked to the bishop thoroughly about all she had said and all I had done. Mind you there was nothing wrong I had done which a rational person would say needed repenting of. But I loved my wife and wanted to keep peace and wanted to prove my love for her. I believed that if every man would just do all in his power to make their wife happy there would be no divorces or very few of them.

    I used to pray and pray (still do) to know what to do. And some times I worried if I wasn’t putting my obedience to my wife over my obedience to God. But in an effort to save my temple marriage and make her happy I did what ever she said. You should know that by 2004 she would yell and scream and threaten and accuse and berate and do these things for 6 hours straight if that is what it took to gain my compliance. But I did what she asked. Eventually anything she asked. I signed a postnuptial agreement (her idea) which gave her in the event of a divorce 100% of the income from my $110,000 per year job while I lived on the money from my $13.75 per hour part time job (which she had also told me I should get the second job) , the house (totally paid off) and all its contents and that if I retired from my job she would get 100% of the retirement for life and that I had to continue to pay the premiums for a $500,000 life insurance policy (she being the beneficiary) until I died. And all of this was to continue to be paid to her even if she remarried. And in an effort to save the marriage and prove my love for her I signed it.

    Imagine my surprise when 12 days after I signed it she made her final demand of me. She said that I had been so evil that the only chance I had of redeeming my soul was to file for divorce and release her from my awful grasp. I was by this time after 27 years of doing what she said conditioned to believe her. I tried to fight it but she used fear of damnation and the church and God etc to get me to say I would do it.

    And I did do it. I moved out sadly and pleading to not have to leave. I filed for divorce and didn’t even get a lawyer. And even after I began to awake to the fact that she was doing something wrong — you see through it all I never thought she was doing wrong. I loved her so much and thought she was so pure and free of sin that the spirit was working through her. She had told me that countless times over the years. As I say even when I began to see that she was doing wrong I was still weak and even though I spoke to her when she threatened me again with losing eternal life I feared and obey her and agreed to let the divorce go through in that manner.

    Zo ma rah none of this is fictional. I am not embellishing. In fact I am leaving out the gruesome details of the verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse she began going into after the time I gave up my temple recommend for her sake.

    At what point do we sin in giving up our God given right follow our own will? How ironic that she should demand I file for divorce against her. I took me 4 ½ years and being 4 years married to another wife who denied me my agency for me to realize at some point probably about the time she demanded and did all in her power to force me to give up my temple recommend that I should have been the one demanding a divorce. There was never any adultery on my part and I don’t know of any on hers. I never struck her nor called her a derogatory name once in all the years we were married. I had overcome by the grace of God anger since 13 years earlier in our marriage. And in the final 2 years never even raised my voice even a little. I was as humble as a human could be.

    It is an extreme case to be sure. If I hadn’t lived through it I wouldn’t have believed it myself. I had obeyed her to even be unkind to my whole family all of my 7 brothers and 2 sisters. I didn’t even attend my own father’s funeral out of an effort to please her. And there is more that I won’t even say. By obeying her I had to disobey God over and over even in my church callings and even to the point of refusing to give love to others even to the point of being cutoff from my own children.

    But at what point should I have said, “No! I will not do what you ask. I will not surrender the most precious gift God ever gave anyone, my agency.” ?

    The very first and slightest encroachment of it. When we forfeit agency we forfeit our future with God. I know it is hard. God is the perfect example of how to love. We all innately know this. The first thing He did for us and the thing He will never vary in is in allowing us our agency.

    I love you Zo ma rah. None of us are perfect and we don’t have to be to please God. But God will never be pleased if we abdicate our agency. He will be sad if we do that.

    Your posts have been a positive influence in my life.

    Dave P is not my cousin but sounds like he saw a similar thing.
    How can I say it strongly enough? Emileeee K is wrong. Her words are a lie. Her prayer is in vain. God cannot be with us as we abdicate our agency.

  13. Something I remember from the MTC experience and the manuals that were there issued to us for regular study throughout our two years service, was a phrase that stuck with me. It said, “Never apologize for preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.”

    Now I have had to humble myself, and it has been extremely difficult, but as I am honest with myself, my ego dies and my mind catches hold upon Christ, who sweetly shows me my weakness and invites me to first, only own what is mine, not others’ and secondly, to then give the burden to Christ as I truly abandon the sins committed in the pride of my heart. And through this process God has shown me how to distinguish between any work and service I did for Christ and that which I did for The Church ™. I can now happily allow myself to rejoice, focus on and magnify my true calling. But this is only made possible by a broken heart and contrite spirit. My heart is broken when I think of the hundreds who I baptized into oblivion. Where are they now? Either they have joined the ranks of the majority of Chilean “members” and are inactive or they are clinging to wards and branches which at least provide the illusion of safety from the world.

    You know that this type of thing is happening the world over. You know that it is real. You know that this will not win us any points with the Lord in the last day. No amount of “Lord, Lord”ing will fool Him into accepting a sacrifice which is not worthy. But what of this phrase, “Never apologize for preaching the gospel of Jesus Christ.” If certainly I can find God and more fully enjoy His spirit in my life today through apologizing for wasting my energy and devotion on an imaginary kingdom of man…well then what about Christ’s actual gospel? Should I apologize for teaching that? For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; for it is the power of God to salvation to every one that believeth; to the Jew first, and also to the Gentile.

    But how do you recognize the true gospel of Christ? It is easy, and you know it. The scriptures are an excellent guide; one we can and should trust in. This is why you have said you are bound by them. This is why you feel to blog about forthcoming treasures from the dust. The BOM states very plainly in 2 Nephi 27 I think it is, that the coming forth of the sealed portion will make MANY, matter of fact MOST “MORMONS” incredibly agitated and more than just UNCOMFORTABLE. I mean, I know you pay as close attention as anybody to the conference talks. Maybe you could help me remember who it was that shared the one about the two men stuck in a blizzard. The one grows tired of walking and says he is going to just sit down and rest while he waits for someone to come to the rescue. He mentions that he doesn’t even feel that cold any more. His FRIEND quickly realizes what is happening and urges the man to keep moving to save himself from the deadly effects of hypothermia. The tired man resists and his friend insists. Finally the friend finds a stick and uses it to hit the man until he finally gets up and chases him. We are talking about helping our friends to be saved.

    So what is the deal here? Did this blog stem from a hungering and thirsting after righteousness? Or was it always merely a mental exercise, a “place to explore different ideas.”? So, in truth, you weren’t really on a quest for truth? But yet you have been and will be just undercover? Something is not exactly adding up. You are right that the blog itself is only a vehicle or reflection of your walk with Christ and in that sense can be described as inconsequential. But your relationship with your family members, especially your older brother Christ and your Heavenly Parents are most definitely crucial! I am sorry if it appears that I am pouring salt on wounds, but the truth is I AM YOUR BROTHER TOO. MY WIFE is also YOUR SISTER. Thank you for blessing our lives with your writing style and personal, honest way of inspiring gathering and bravery in defense of the RESTORED GOSPEL OF CHRIST. Please follow the spirit and do not CONvince yourself that your conversion process is the root of this friction and temporary discomfort in the minds and hearts of you family members.

    In 6 paragraphs there are 6 uses (including the title) of the term I apologize or I am sorry. Wow. Have you gained their forgiveness yet…was it sufficient to gain THEIR grace? Please do not dismiss the warnings brought up here by myself and others as extreme, unloving or non-applicable. That would be a grave mistake. The Lord’s choice of words in warning us are much more harsh. It is a serious issue. And though you may feel or think you have escaped unwanted consequences and even done the will of God in burrying your talent to some extent, you would eventually awake to find far worse consequences up to TOTAL LOSS of that which you thought you were protecting. This has happened to many of us. We must be wise and TRUST IN THE LORD. Is your exhaustive list of “wife, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister(even though she probably hasn’t read any of this), cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and a varied assortment of friends” lengthy enough to outweigh the divine and serious council of TRUTH incarnate when he explains to us that…

    “37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.”

  14. mickyj08 says:

    dyc4557 — My brother went through a very similar scenario with his wife. She had him sign everything over to her. The house, the cars, the money, the kids… he did to save himself grief. Then she picked up and moved away leaving him with nothing but lint on his scrotum. Very sad.

    Keep your chin up, man…

  15. dyc4557 says:

    Thanks mickyjo8,
    the rest of the story is as I said above “I feared and obey her and agreed to let the divorce go through in that manner.” Once I had given my word I kept it. I was not in my right mind when i gave it and so I would have been justified to go against it. Many loved ones told me get a lawyer fight it. But I prayed and though it was real scary I obeyed what I felt the Lord say (very quietly I might add) and let it go through hoping and praying that the judge who would sign it would catch it and say “Hey what is up with this?” and not sign it. He didn’t. He signed it on Friday I got notification in Saturday and Hired a lawyer on Monday. I just said i would let it go through didn’t say I wouldn’t try to destroy it afterwords.
    In fact the judge who signed met with me and my lawyer and her lawyer (she didn’t show up) and the judge wondered why he was being asked to review the decree. My lawyer said well you are the one who signed it. As the judge read through the very large decree remembrance came over his face, “Uhh, yes I do remember this now.” he said, “I was thinking I should call the lawyers and ask what this was all about. But It was just before Christmas break and there was a stack of 50 decrees to go through so I just signed it.” And as he said it he gave me a look that clearly said, “I am sorry. I should not have signed this.” Although his was and emotional silent communication I said aloud, “Its okay.”
    But the reality was it was so horribly unfair that by letting it go through without fighting it the judge had no problem in declaring it void and unconscionable right there on the spot.

    Because i was still not fully healed from the effects of giving my agency over to my wife even 4 months later the mediated settlement was harsh. But I survived. And now I know how vital to my salvation is the protecting of my agency.

  16. yeah the truth hurts. it sucks i watched it slightly turn my mother against my brother while i was growing up. while i had do idea what was going on, all a knew was that my brother grew his beard and his hair and refused to wear a tie for some reason. eventually i found out why. this scripture brings me comfort.
    34Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.

    35For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.

    36And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.

    37He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

    im not going to pretend like i have any idea what your going through but all i can say is ive enjoyed your posts.

    im only 20 and a question i often ask myself is “man when i get home how the hell am i going to find a wife that do sent think im crazy?”

    • dyc4557 says:

      I understand your concern. Due to the above referenced control I too am single and wondering the same thing you are. But all I can do is place my faith in God and look around for a sister who has a testimony of the gospel as delivered to Joseph and not the socially acceptable Babylonian version now being sold at a stake center near you. How dare I say that? Look around where do any of the LDS members have all things in common, in which stake is such a things taught or implemented? Hence the gifts are missing also.

      But back to the control issue, I believe the depriving of one’s agency by your spouse is far more serious grounds for divorce than adultery or physical, verbal and mental abuse. And any form of true abuse should be stopped very soon or the marriage ended.

      Any actions by one spouse to control the other person and deny them their agency is the worst form of abuse. So when a wife requires you to submit your will to hers as a condition of staying married (If you don’t stop writing your true thoughts on that blog I am going to divorce you!) then the problem is hers not yours.
      It is often beneficial to gauge another persons actions based on what our actions would be in the same situation. My former wife didn’t like me giving other women or young girls a hug or a kiss on the cheek. She said once how would you like it if a guy kissed me on the cheek? I truthfully answered I would love it. It might show he loves you and would surely show he had good taste. That wasn’t the answer she was looking for to justify her feelings and demands upon me.

  17. ~Clint~ says:

    zo-ma-rah: As to the future, I hope you do continue to write. Even if the content may change I think you will still have much that is interesting to say. I know that your spiritual journey will continue. Share what you can of the path that you find.

  18. Chris says:

    Sometimes it is better to hold ones tongue as to “truth” as defined by this blog and most of its supporters is very subjective. If one has a desire to be a religious radical then at the very least it should be done in private. It is commendable that you cease these radical views publicly that were hurting the ones so close to you.

    In history there have always been those on the fringe that questioned the organization of the Church and I suppose there always will be. Gratefully it is a small and obscure faction that rarely hurts the church beyond their immediate family and or close friends. I commend you for recognizing what is truly important in life and wish you well as you mend relationships to those who are near to your heart.

  19. dyc4557 says:

    John Ellis I hope you are being sarcastic about Chris´ comment. Because i was just about to address it myself.
    Chris you said:

    If one has a desire to be a religious radical then at the very least it should be done in private. It is commendable that you cease these radical views publicly that were hurting the ones so close to you.

    Do you not see that those same sentiments were said to Jesus Christ during His mortal ministry? They said He was beside Himself, which is to say He was going off the deep end. Jesus was finding fault with the very men who sat in Moses seat. Who do you think that refers to? That referred to the earthly head of God’s church at the time because the church Jesus was born into was apostate and got worse during His life until during His ministry He spoke out openly and plainly about the awful state of the church. He was doing what Zo ma rah was doing until Zo ma rah started apologizing for it.
    Jesus was one of ”those on the fringe that questioned the organization of the Church.” Can’t you see that?
    Jesus too was asked to cease expressing His radical views even by members of His own family. In the days of Christ ministry to be a follower of Christ meant you got excommunicated from the accepted church as handed down from the fathers.
    I thought it had been quoted here but I don’t see it so here I will quote what I believe was Jesus’ response to the problem of how His radical doctrine caused pain to family members and loved ones. And remember where the pain comes from. It comes from fear of being punished by the leaders of the LDS church. in the Book of Mormon the prophet and king Mosiah and the prophet and Chief Judge Alma said no one should be punished for their belief. Yet Zo ma rah’s family have every right to fear retribution from today’s LDS church leadership.
    So what did Jesus say in regards to this? Matt 10:

    34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
    35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
    36 And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household.
    37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.

    Hey Zo ma rah don’t think I am aiming all this stuff at you and trying to turn up the heat on you. I am talking to everyone. I have been called to defend the faith in many places. This is just another place and way to do it.
    And it isn’t me who will turn up the heat. In time the Lord will keep turning up the heat on everyone, everyone in the whole world till all make their choice.
    Truth never goes away no matter how long we ignore it.

    Chris your comment presupposes that what is accepted by a large group for a long time is the right way and the minority who find fault with it are wrong. You may as well be Catholic. Zo ma rah plainly and gently and accurately examined whether there was any real evidence that Thomas S Monson had any of the signs of a prophet of God. If you feel his post was incorrect then why not point out its failings. Why not point out where Zo ma rah went wrong. Because saying it is truly important to keep your mouth shut about truth in order not to upset some people is 100% contrary to the words and example of Jesus Christ.

    • John Ellis says:

      My wife finds my sarcism to be one of my bad traits! A lot of what you wrote, was what I was thinking. You and I probably don’t agree on much, but I’m pretty sure we agree on “religious radicals!”

  20. jew1967 says:

    Zo ma rah,

    Brother, a part of me is sorry that you must experience this and another part is happy for you because this santifies you more unto Yohoshua.

    Hang in there and God Bless. 🙂

  21. Listen to this big ol’ bully…Chris…you sound like a bully hiding behind the “virtue of the priesthood” probably think you are doin your part to police the beliefs of this young man, whose concerned Mother or whoever came to you to discuss. But even though I dont know who you are….I would like to ask WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? I know you are one of the many bullies out there. Apart from what DyC4557 has spoken in the spirit I dont know that anything need be added to rebuke you and your subtle bullying. However I will point this one thing out….DO NOT THINK THAT YOUR FRUITS DO NOT SHOW YOU TO BE INDEED A HATER OF TRUTH. Your true colors show when you say that If one “It is commendable that you cease these radical views publicly that were hurting the ones so close to you.” See you do not care what people around you believe as long as they dont voice anything contrary to your views. So you are not a man….who cares as a brother to another brother for his spiritual welfare…you couldnt care less about TRUTH…even though you will belittle Zomarah by using “truth” in quotation marks to describe his personal study and walk with the Savior….and then in the same breath you are all patting him on his head like “good boy!” HOW DARE YOU. Your total disregard for truth could not be more clear. Believe whatever you want, oh but I commend you for not really believing it openly…unless I and the majority feel comfortable with it…or comforted by it???? Sink back into the dark shadows where lucifer and the third lurk along with those through whom they work to strip away agency as enemies to GOD.

  22. JMW says:

    I think you should post more about the paradoxes and contradictions that are ever apparent in our faith. Your post on Ezekiel 14 was magnificent your post on Pres Monson was spot on. My wife and I had talked about whether or not I had received anything personally about him being a Prophet Seer or Revelator. My response was off the hip but I said, where are his prophecies, visions and revelations that I might bring them before the Lord and ask for conformation? I said when was the last time you opened an Ensign and said, man that revelation was just what I needed to clarify and put to bed the argument regarding X? Aside from Pres. Hinckley saying there would be 100 temples before 2000 when was the last prophecy we received?

    Sometimes I wonder if the brethern even believe the scriptures anymore. For example it says in D&C and in sermons by both Brigham Young and Wilford Woodruff that Albany, New York and Boston would all be destroyed. Yet we have temples in 2 of those cities? Why? Do we not believe they’ll be destroyed now?

    Where in Jacob 5 does the lord recognize servants that leave the branches in the wild trees and builds temples in the wild trees vs grafting them out of the wild trees and into the tame tree. the only tree the lord isn’t going to burn! Doesn’t our articles of faith say, We believe in the litteral gathering of Israel. Then why aren’t we litterally gathering? Do we not believe it anymore?

    One of my main issues goes to the core of the theology being taught in church today.
    Joseph Smith said that Adam was the great head of human procreation, that Adam presided over all dispensations, that he holds the keys of all the universe. That he’s the ancient of days and will reward Christ ie, gives the keys of the universe to him. All of the above is in TPJS & D&C. Brigham Young takes it from ambiguity and says that Adam was a celestial being and was a resurrected man, he was, before he fell into this world, the Father of our spirits and the ultimate Father of our bodies. Even proposition 2 in the Nauvoo expositor says Joseph was teaching that God had was liable to fall with his creations (plural). It is Brigham’s testimony in the journal of Wilford Woodruff that Joseph taught him the doctrine that Adam was our Father in Heaven and that the Father himself revealed it to him. We have John Nuttalls journal (secratary of the first presidency) outlining the temple theology in a completely different light. Nuttall sat through meeting after meeting creating a template to be used for the endowment in jan-feb 1877 with Brigham, John Taylor and WW all in attendance. All stating that the Father & Mother of our spirits fell into this world to be the Father & Mother of our bodies also, all life is created through the principle of procreation. But now that’s a doctrine of heresey and damnable. Spoken against by Joseph Fielding Smith, Spencer Kimball and Bruce McKonkie. Even though Brigham when he gave his first sermon on it in JoD Vol 1 page 50. Said that belief in the doctrine would prove to be your salvation and disbelief in it would prove your damnation. In 1860 he said he regretted revealing too much on the subject of God that had he been the one that revealed baptisms for the dead and not Joseph that the brethren would speak against it until doomsday. He then called them all dumb asses for rejecting it. Those are strong words, and why is it now I have to make a choice to believe between 2 presidents of the church? I thought Christ said a house divided against itself cannot stand.

    These are contradictions that the correllation committees have been sweeping under the rug for decades. It’s harmful to people to find this out, it’s even worse when they encounter it on a blog that uses it as a hammer to hit the church on the head with. We need blogs of faithful members that can see issues of paradox and openly discuss them in an atmosphere more prone to resolving or settling the issue than to lead them away.

    I consider myself a faithful member, I have a testimony of Joseph Smith and see my church believing and implementing the very arguments of doctrine and theology that killed him. Read the arguments in the Nauvoo expositer and what we believe today, we believe and side more with the murderers of Joseph than we do with Joseph.

    I just recently found your blog and I am comforted deeply that you and I share many of the same feelings regarding church as you, I say preach on. If people have a problem with it maybe insert a warning or how you were able to come to terms with it.

  23. Agnostic in Texas says:

    Find your spine and stand up for yourself.

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